Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu!

Wow! It’s been almost a year since I last blogged, so much for keeping up with the blogging! Sorry 🙁

Today’s post is a very personal one so here goes. Recently, in the last four years or so, I have been looking to get married. Now when I say looking, I don’t mean I’ve held a placard up, but my parents have put word out. More recently, when traditional methods haven’t worked, I joined a matrimonial site called Pure Matrimony.

My main aim whilst searching was to keep the search halal and ensure that I remained dignified. Unfortunately, the norm these days is to exchange numbers to get to know a person, which I know isn’t halal but I did so with permission from my parents.

After several (6 face to face and 2 online) failed introductions, I reflected upon each one. Now before I start, I know I am nowhere near an oil painting and I may have a lot of downfalls but one thing I do have is a promise to work extremely hard to make my marriage work and I think I have a big heart to spread a lot of love. It is not my intention to shame anyone, hence omitting personal details. Initially, I feel Allah swt sent many different people to consolidate in my mind what I want/need. As time went by, I realised some things were more important to me than I realised and others not so important.

I’ve said no to some people based on the fact, not solely, that they don’t pray. This is a factor I realised is very important to me, because it has taken me a long time to incorporate all five salah into my daily routine Alhamdullillah and I feel that marrying someone who doesn’t pray at all may jeopardise this. This is not a risk I’m prepared to take.

I fell hard for someone that said he prays, but didn’t have a job and wasn’t from my community (an initial preference of mine.) This made me realise that I wasn’t too bothered about his job. Of course, him having a job would be great for stability but I don’t really mind where he works. This also made me realise that I wasn’t restricted to my community, although this would be the easiest option with my family. Unfortunately, this didn’t work out…and I’m still nursing a dejected heart, due to the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing with himself. I feel like I’ve not had any closure, and therefore I am holding on for any spark of hope. A part of me knows it’s a dead-end but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

My advice to anyone would be please make sure you’re ready to get married before exploring the avenues and talking to someone in this capacity. Also, remain transparent, don’t be hot and cold with the person. That’s not fair, especially when the other person (like I tend to) jumps in wholeheartedly and invests time, duas and efforts.

I have gone through the motions of thinking something is wrong with me, bawling (that’s an understatement!) my eyes out and thinking that I am being punished. I’m not going to lie, there are days where these thoughts still go through my head, but mostly I realise that I am still single because Allah swt has planned it this way and He is the best of planners. It’s not because I am a bad person, or that I am not marriage material, but simply because He knows best. Some days are so bad that I don’t want to hear about weddings, introductions and relationships because it makes me feel like a major failure. I ache to see a smile on my parent’s face when I am finally married, and not the worry and burden I currently see. I reached a stage of desperation to try any duas, that if someone told me to do 21 star jumps at Maghrib whilst reciting Bismillah…I would have done so.

I think the best thing, and sadly the only thing I can do is patiently wait. In the meantime, I aim to strengthen my relationship with Allah swt in sha Allah and focus on being the best person I can be with the remembrance that Allah swt tests his strongest soldiers. Here’s hoping he is worth the wait when he finally comes along in sha Allah! Please pray for me and all the others who are in the same predicament as me. Apologies for a very serious and emotional post, but this is straight from my heavy heart 🙁

in sha Allah may Allah SWT help us strenghten our Imaan, make our spouses the coolness of our eyes and give us sabr whilst waiting . Ameen